"Suggestion Box"

One of the greatest benefits of the information and social media age has been the ability to reach people worldwide with the click of a button. Our content can be viewed by people we have never met and probably will never meet. But as we put ourselves out there, we also run the risk of being critiqued, attacked, and harassed. It’s essential to remember that not everyone on the internet is a friend, and that, in fact, there are individuals who exist solely to post negative comments and engage in arguments with content creators. It’s why I never respond to a person who comes to argue rather than discuss. The dark side of our social media age is that we are sharing more but communicating less. 

Personal relationships may also open us up to the same responses. But the dynamic is different. The closer we are to someone, the deeper our relationship with them, the less likely we are to be brutally honest. We love someone. We want them to be happy. We appreciate them. And while we know it’s essential to be honest with them, we also recognize that full and complete honesty can sometimes hurt a person’s feelings. It’s the reason I never ask my wife what she thinks of my shirt. I just let her give me a nod or a shake of the head. I’m afraid to hear just how bad this shirt looks on me. 

Clergy and the congregations they serve also face challenges in being honest. Priests who stand up and preach every Sunday strive to be as honest as possible with their flock. They want those present to hear the gospel clearly and without obstruction. The role of the priest is to foster open and honest relationships built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. This means creating an environment where people can be honest and open without fear or retribution. However, if you notice, you don’t see many suggestion boxes in Churches. Anonymous feedback and critiques often follow the pattern of online comment sections, as people feel entitled to express whatever is on their mind or heart without regard for the person they are discussing. Feedback can easily drift into personal attacks or venting without a willingness to engage in a larger discussion or offer genuine solutions. 

Priests lead by holding Christ up so that all can see if they are, in fact, walking with Christ. The role of the laity is to support the priest in their ministry while also holding them accountable for the example they set and the environment they create for ministry. It’s mutual work. 

"For the priest, telling the faithful the truth about how well their faith community is living into Christ’s call can be a delicate task. We want to be honest, but we also want to be gentle."

For the priest, telling the faithful the truth about how well their faith community is living into Christ’s call can be a delicate task. We want to be honest, but we also want to be gentle. Remember, we are called to love those whom we serve. But clergy also need honesty. We need to know that the people we are serving are doing more than just nodding their heads in agreement with everything we say. We need to know if what we say and the example we are setting are resonating with the people we serve. I find that feedback to the priest falls into a few categories. 

1. It’s all good. This often happens during the honeymoon stage when the relationship between the priest and the congregation is new. There is a great deal of enthusiasm as growth occurs and people begin to see the potential of this new venture. Because they want this growth to continue, many in the congregation will remain positive and refrain from being overly critical. They don’t want to discourage the priest who has often been working hard to get to know everyone and reinvigorate ministries that may have fallen dormant. Whenever the priest asks for input or feedback, they usually hear, “We love it! Keep up the good work!” 

2. Silence - If things are not going well, then members of the congregation may be at a loss on how to handle their feelings of disappointment and dissatisfaction. There may not be a culture of speaking up or going to the priest to share their concerns. Even if the priest has proclaimed that their door is always open, few people may knock on that door and ask to have a chat. The other side of that silence can come from the priest who doesn’t want to hear feedback. Their experience of leadership is about deciding what is best for everyone and not paying attention to what they have termed “grumbling and complaining”. The priest who never welcomes feedback is often shocked when their relationship with members and leadership has deteriorated. Small cuts can become infected and develop into festering wounds if left untreated. 

3. It’s all bad - The other side of “It’s all good” is that everything is terrible. Priests who find themselves in this situation become disheartened when the work they are doing never seems to measure up. They have given their best effort but never receive a “thank you” or a “good job”. In contrast, they may receive anonymous feedback in the form of notes, emails, or triangulation, “someone said…”. They lose heart in their vocation as they wonder if they are having any positive effect. They may have inherited challenges related to finances, a broken trust, a decline in attendance, or a culture of negativity that saps the energy of everyone in the system. Faith communities that feel hopeless often focus on mistakes and missteps, rather than the opportunities for growth. The other side of that is when a priest is always in despair about the trials the parish is facing. He or she may be unable to see beyond the leak in the roof, the air conditioner that needs to be fixed, and the shortage of volunteers to appreciate the efforts of the faithful who make the Church live and breathe day in and day out. The faithful never hear encouragement or gratitude from their priest in the pulpit, during meetings, or in pastoral visits. As a result, they may give up.

Managing criticisms and feedback is vital to handling conflict. Jesus reminds us that recognizing how we have hurt people and seeking reconciliation with them is a priority. “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24.

Offering constructive criticism is a learned practice. It requires patience and trust. I have found that mutual ministry reviews supervised by the diocese can be a helpful tool. This is where a member of the bishop’s staff, trained in working with congregations and clergy, facilitates a dialogue between the priest and the congregation to identify areas of growth and places where improvement is needed. If that isn’t possible, I recommend seeking out other clergy or lay leaders who can help create that opportunity for dialogue. It’s important to remember that each of us has a role in the household of God and that working together is only possible when we practice the love that Jesus taught his disciples. He praised them for their work and deep faith, but also held them accountable when they strayed from what he taught or became sidetracked by their own agendas. 

My hope is that each of us can give one another the gift of honesty with love and respect so that our communities can flourish. No one can grow without earnest encouragement and honest criticism. We grow through the help of others, and helping others means loving them enough to be honest with them.